Stories of Immortal LogicEight out of Every Six Zoot SuitsI once worked with an older gentleman who had served in the Second World War, which seemed to be the source of an endless variety of stories, some of which might have been ever so slightly exaggerated. One of these was a real classic. He explained, how, while on Shore Leave in Los Angeles during the War: Old Vet: "Me and a sailor named Big Mo got into a fight with 6 or 7 of those Zoot Suit guys in a bar. Now Big Mo was really big and really tough. Built like John Wayne. He was fighting 8 of those guys all by himself, while I..." Karl: "How could he be fighting 8 of 6 or 7 guys?" Old Vet: "You don't realize how big he was!" Never in a Hundred Years While working with the same Second World War Vet, I noticed that he'd had a variety of stories about various full-time occupations - everyone of which he'd purportedly worked at for very long periods of time. So long, in fact, that, according to the sum of his various stories, he seemed to have worked at full-time jobs that were mutually exclusive (ex: he couldn't have been in the Merchant Marine AND working full-time at a factory job at the same time) for at least 100 years. I tried to gently point out this inconsistency, and he replied: "You younger people don't understand how hard it was back then. We had to work hard - We didn't have it easy like you do today!" 29 Cents Times a Million Many years ago, I had a job delivering Propane to rural customers in the mountains of Colorado. Generally, I could drive right to the customer's home, and the tank was located nearby, and I'd deliver the gas, and leave record of the delivery and a tentative bill right on their doors. However, some of the customer's homes were up steep, narrow driveways. Sometimes, because the driveways were too narrow or dangerous for the large Propane delivery truck to safely navigate, the homeowners had placed the large Propane tank which supplied their homes near the main road, and run a lengthy pipe from the tank to the house to supply them with gas for heating and cooking. After delivering the gas, I would have to walk up a length private driveway to deliver the ticket to their door - or I could mail it. After walking a couple of tickets up driveways, I realized that wasn't a good idea. The tickets could be mailed, and walking up the driveway wasted up to 15 or 20 minutes, reducing the number of deliveries that I could make in a day. Additionally, some customers might have large dogs running loose on their expansive properties, and they might be startled by unexpected foot traffic on their private drives. The cost of a stamp (29 cents) seemed like a trival cost to reduce potential problems and liability concerns, and add additional deliveries (at a gross profit of $50 to $500 per delivery) to the day. However, my supervisor saw it differently, observing that my method was costing more in postage. I pointed out that, on average, by spending 58 cents on a couple of stamps, I was able to make more deliveries in less time, reducing total labor and operational costs, liability and worker's comp exposure, and enabling us to deliver more customers without increasing the size of our truck fleet or workforce - by my rough estimation saving perhaps $60/day. My supervisor applauded my efforts to save the company money, told me he really appreciated my attempt to think creatively to increase profit, but pointed out that I really didn't see the big picture. Yes, each ticket mailed might save the company $29.00 for 29 cents spent, but our company had hundreds of delivery facilities across the country. What if every driver, of which there were thousands, saved $29.00 by spending 29 cents? The 29 cents each time would add up to a lot of money, and the company would be spending thousands extra on postage - which couldn't be offset, no matter how many times we saved $29.00! Best Employee Ever! At the start of the Internet boom, I worked briefly at a part-time job proving telephone tech support for an Internet Service Provider. Customers with technical difficulties would call for help. The efficiency of our unit was primarily judged by the number of calls handled per employee hour. A woman who sat a couple cubicles over from me was always viewed by management as a real star - she consistently took more calls per hour than any other employee. By overhearing her calls, I quickly discovered her secret. She was a recent immigrant from China, with a very thick accent - virtually incomprehensible to most English speakers. She sincerely wanted to help customers, but, after 30 seconds or a minute, most inbound callers would realize that they couldn't understand enough of what she said for her to be of any help, and just hang up, or end the call in some more polite way, calling back in hopes of reaching another representative who was more understandable. Best Customer Ever! While working for the previously mentioned Propane company, we had a residental customer who'd failed to pay their bill for their last propane delivery - which was about 90 days past due. I knew that the customer was past due, and had personal knowledge that the customer had been called by our office about payment twice, and probably received numerous mailed requests for payment from our central office. The customer called our office one afternoon, angrily complaining that their propane tank was empty. We were supposed fill their tank on a schedule, she said - how could we be so incompetent as not to fill their tank, and allow them to be inconvenienced by running out of gas. No mention was made of any past due balance. I explained to them that she was past due. At first, she denied any knowledge of a past due bill, then, when I seemed disinterested in entertaining that viewpoint, she asserted that they had paid it. When I asked for details of their payment (check number, etc), she explained that she didn't have time for that. I told her that she would either need to pay the truck driver in full for the past due bill, or we couldn't deliver the gas. She told me that I wasn't being at all helpful, and hung up the phone. That evening, I received a call from our answering service. The same customer had called the answering service and complained that their propane tank was empty. I called the customer. She angrily complained that their propane tank was empty - weren't we supposed to deliver it on a schedule? How could we be so incompetent? No mention was made of any past due balance. I realized that she didn't know she was talking to the same person she'd called that afternoon. I told them about the past due balance. At first, she denied any knowledge of a past due bill, then, when I seemed disinterested in entertaining that viewpoint, she asserted that they had paid it. I told them that I spoken with her that afternoon - we'd already had this conversation. She told me that I hadn't spoken with her that afternoon. Yes, I had, I told her. Given my low trust level at this point, I told her I would need cash before pumping any gas. She told me I was rude, and hung up. The next morning, she called the office, reached a different employee, and angrily complained that their propane tank was empty - weren't we supposed to deliver it on a schedule? How could we be so incompetent? No mention was made of any past due balance. Our employee had heard the story from me already, and told them that nothing had changed from what I'd told them yesterday. They told our employee that she spoke with someone yesterday, but he was rude and incompetent. Was she that way also? "Cash, or no gas," she told them. They hung up. A couple hours later, she called up and told the office worker she'd pay in full with cash, which they did. A day later, I found out that she'd called our national number to complain about poor service they were receiving. Memo Madness Shortly after beginning work for a large company, I received a general memo from Headquarters instructing all employees to perform a particular intermittent, but routine accounting task using Method A. The memo went on to explain why Method A was vastly superior to any other procedure. Seemed reasonable enough. About three months later, all employees were sent a sharply worded memo complaining that everyone wasn't using Method A, and threatening dire consequences for those who failed to comply. While somewhat impolite, it seemed reasonable to me. About six months after that, I received a general memo instructing all employees to perform the same intermittent, but routine accounting task using Method B. The memo went on to explain why Method B was vastly better than any other procedure - and seemed to imply an intellectual defect in anyone who failed to immmediately apprehend the obvious superiority of Method B. A little confusing, but, I suppose everyone has the right to change their opinion. About three months later, all employees were sent a sharply worded memo complaining that everyone wasn't using Method B, and threatening dire consequences for those who failed to comply. Didn't seem all that reasonable, since it was only a few months ago, we were all supposed to be using Method A - a little confusion on the part of employees was understandable. About six months later, all employees were sent a sharply worded memo complaining that everyone wasn't using Method A, and threatening dire consequences for those who failed to comply. Now I was completely confused - Did we switch back to Method A? About six months after that, I received a general memo instructing all employees to perform the same intermittent, but routine accounting task using Method C. The memo went on to explain why Method C was vastly better than any other procedure - and seemed to imply an intellectual defect in anyone who failed to immmediately apprehend the obvious superiority of Method C. No mention was made of Methods A or B. I decided to just keep using Method B, which took less time than Method A. I didn't really see any point in learning Method C. About three months later, all employees were sent a sharply worded memo complaining that everyone wasn't using Method B, and threatening dire consequences for those who failed to comply. Good! My decision to keep using Method B was justified! I was glad I hadn't wasted time learning Method C. About six months later, I received a general memo from Headquarters instructing all employees to perform a particular intermittent, but routine accounting task using Method A. The memo went on to explain why Method A was vastly superior to any other procedure, and made no mention of a policy change, or any other method. Naturally, I ignored it. About six months later, I was training a new employee. A memo arrived from Headquarters on an unrelated subject. In the interest of speeding the training process, I told the new employee that we'd mistakenly gotten on the list for memos from Headquarters - they didn't apply to us, and should all be discarded immmediately to prevent confusion. 90% of all Journalists below Median IQ for Journalists! I actually saw a headline in a local Colorado newspaper in the 1980s that said: "Half Of All Student Test Scores Below Average." Amazing What They Can Do With PhotoShop! Age a baby 28 years with a touch of a button! 
Dazzle Nightclub New Year's Eve Party 2008 "$80 package deal with 3 course meal, no alcohol. Includes champagne toast" Roger the Dodger We may think, as a society, that we are looking into Yankees Pitcher Roger Clemens steroid use at congressional hearings, but I think actually he is the eternal reflective pond upon which the lotus blossom of our transient consciousness floats, and is looking into all of us. I am offended. I will be honest with you. I am offended. In Boston, I know I was on prednisone. I remember that because actually I came here to visit the White House When the president was in, And my head looked like a stop sign. I have strained my glute On a couple occasions. I wish I could tell you How many occasions. the first cold shower even the monkey seems to want a little coat of straw Pretty much Roger Clemens, Feb. 5, 2008, Deposition in Steriod Inquiry, with help from Slate, and a Haiku poet whose name I've forgotten. Priority One: Decades ago, I worked briefly (you'll soon see why) for a now defunct (you'll soon see why) small hardware store in a mountain ski town. There were a variety of tasks other than sales the employees needed to perform each day, many of which needed to be performed before the store opened - updating and checking prices, putting money in the the cashier register, and moving the lawn mowers or snow blowers outside in front of the store as an advertising device. The employees would arrive about an hour before the store opened, and the owner generally arrived about one half hour after that. On one of my first days there, the owner began yelling at me when he arrived - Didn't I know that moving the snow blowers outside was Priority One? I'd been putting up sale signs inside, or some similar task. New to the job, I just thought I'd made a mistake. The next day, I moved the snow blowers outside first thing. When the owner arrived, he began yelling at me - Why weren't the cash registers ready for use, logged in and stocked with money for change? That was the first thing any intelligent person would do - can't sell anything without a cash register. From experience, and discussions with other employees, I soon learned that every day went like this, and there was little sense in listening to the owner's yelling. It didn't really mean anything, but, it seemed to go on for much of the day. A favorite random rant of the owner was that ski town employees were lazy and unreliable - it seemed like they generally only stayed at his store for a month or two. That's how long I stayed. His store didn't stay open that much longer... |
