Karl Kelman's Car
Karl's car is Dino, a formidable 1996 Oldsmobile Cutlass Ciera. Dino is a
General Motors
"A-body," a design fundamentally unchanged since it's introduction in 1982. In keeping with
their neo-Buddhist philosophy of Non-Attachment to Improvement, General Motors fixed none of the
minor production errors that plagued these hulks from their inception. The clear coat starts
peeling off after a couple years, the alternators don't last long, the serpentine belts need
chronic replacement.
But, the A-body has a number of serviceable features:
1.) They are cheap. Real cheap. Bought it six years old with 41,000 miles for $4200.
2.) The only people who bought them new were little old ladies. Real old. And, not getting any younger,
or more capable of driving in the dark, out of familar neighborhoods, etc. from the minute they bought it.
So, your odds of finding one that was ACTUALLY only driven to and from church on Sundays by a little old
lady are pretty good.
3.) Narrow tires! Modern cars and SUVs, with their sporty-looking wide tires, are a real hazard in snow or
wet conditions. Dino's narrow tires dig into the snow, and have less surface area to hydroplane. Dino is
far superior to 4-wheel drives in the snow - the 4-wheel only helps with acceleration, but Dino's narrow tires
help with acceleration, cornering, and stopping.
4.) Low to the ground - again, a good idea in snow and wet. None of the top-heavy SUVs lateral roll trying
to break the tires loose from surface tension.
5.) Surprisingly good power and gas mileage (at least in the 6-cylinder model - I'm not so sure about the
4-cylinder "Iron Puke"). Low to the ground
and narrow tires. Dino eats up 300-hp SUVs on the final I-70 approach to Loveland Basin - ducking under
the steady headwind that catches the SUVs full sail, and making 85 mph uphill, into the wind at 11,000 feet.
And, if you don't drive like a complete Mollusk (see previous sentence), you can get about 30 mpg on the highway.
6.) Invisible to cops. Police want excitement, drug busts, DUIs, pretty girls - not an hour spent
with some confused little old lady who keeps mentally wandering off into some trackless and
interminable story about her great-grandkids instead of getting her license
and registration, whilst the smell of Leaky Depends wafts out of the car.
The lawman instictively fears Dino for this reason, and you'll never get a ticket.
7.) Because The Dino has no economic value (a Dino that will probably run for five years without any trouble might
sell for $1000-2000 today), you don't have to pay for comprehensive insurance, or worry about it in any way. Freedom's
just another word for no resale value to lose...
8.) As a square car in a round world, Dino is easy to find in a parking lot.
Dino has stared as the handsome leading man in several exciting feature length films about the airport parking
Industry:
Click here to see Dino's moving portrayal of
a car parking - a moving drama of one car's journey from home to the airport.
Click here to
view the critically acclaimed short film: Oldsmobile and Nothingness - The touching story of
a car alone on 8,000 parking spaces
Other vehicles I, or my family, has owned:
Circa 1970-2:
Honda 50 Mini-Bike $185 ($125 sale)
Circa 1972-3:
Kawasaki 75 Mini-Bike $295 ($185 sale)
Circa 1973-4:
Kawasaki 120 Dirt Bike $200 m/l ($100 m/l sale)
Circa 1975:
1963 Chrysler 300 $250 ($150 sale)
Circa 1977:
1972 VW Super Beetle $600 ($650 sale)
Circa 1977:
1971 Saab Story $1200 ($1250 sale)
Circa 1977:
1966 Travelall Free ($50 m/l sale)
Circa 1978-84:
Honda Trail 90 $125 ($100 sale)
Circa 1979:
1960s Lincoln Continental $125 or Free ($50 m/l sale)
Circa 1979-80:
Honda 500-4 $900 m/l ($700 m/l sale)
Circa 1979:
1969 Chevy BelAir$600 ($275 sale)
Exactly 1980:
Datsun B210 (Chris)
Circa 1981-90:
1980 Ford Courier (Home, Sweet Home) $5000 ($300 sale)
Circa 1985-86:
Honda Silver Wing $800 m/l ($600 sale m/l)
Circa 1985-92:
1969 Chevy Camper Utility Box Alaskan Camper $2000 m/l ($1000 sale m/l)
Circa 1990-93:
1985 Chevy Celebrity (Ben) $2800 ($2800 m/l sale)
Circa 1990-00:
1988 Chevy Celebrity (Ayn) $3700 ($900 sale)
Circa 1993-98:
1988 Subaru Justy (Little Red) $2600 ($800 m/l sale)
Circa 1998:
1988 Toyota Camry (Camy) $2000 ($1100 sale)
Circa 2000-1:
2000 Toyota Camry V-6 (Otto) $2900 ($2800 sale)
Circa 2001-3:
1993 Toyota Corolla (Dex) $2000 ($2000 m/l sale)
Exactly 2002:
1996 Oldsmobile (Dino) $4200 ($1500 value)
Exactly 2002:
2000 Toyota Corolla (Cedrick) $7000 ($4000 value)
Exactly 2007:
2002 Toyota Corolla (Lancelot) $6800 ($6500 value)
If you don't mind driving really ugly, you can drive really cheap!
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